Lonely nights

Where to start?? This week has had its ups and downs that's for sure. The gym is working great for me. I am so sore that I can barely walk, but somehow it clears my head and body of emotional pain. When I am having a really rough day (and there are lots of those) I head to the gym and work out super hard.... When I get home I feel better. It works as like a therapy for me. Maybe I'll even lose some weight and tone up as an added benefit:)

Last night my aunt took the kiddos for a sleepover and Dale and I headed out for a night of dancing and hanging out with great friends. I was having an especially emotional day and didn't even really feel like going, but it was great! We had an amazing time doing something so grown up! Dancing is something that we have always loved to do together and we hadn't gone in over three years... It was good for us. Of course (not that I need to even say it, but) I would gladly never go dancing again in my life if it meant I could have my little boy back.

I don't know the stages of grief and I am pretty sure I have gone through most of them a few times, but I am at the point of questioning why this happened to our family. I think it is due to all the änniveraries" that are approaching. Yesterday it was one year ago that we went to the hospital for the first time wondering what was going on with Colten. One year ago today we met the amazing Dr. Abella and found out what they were thinking and Tuesday it will be one year since the official diagnosis. No wonder I'm a flippin mess!! And then on top of it all, Dale had to go back to work tonight. I know that there comes a time that you have to start getting back into a routine, but we have not been apart for FOUR months. AND he is my rock!! He is the person who makes sure I get out of bed every morning, gets me to the gym, makes sure I eat, and keeps my mind busy. I am going to be a little lost without him for awhile.

I am sorry that this post wasn't the most positive post. I try really hard to keep my head up and project the strength that lies within me to all of you... Just not feeling it as much tonight:) Please know that I truly appreciate all the love and support you all give and know that we really are hanging in there and doing okay. We are strong people with an amazing support system and will go on to teach others all the wonderful things we learned from our little man. We will even do it with a smile on our faces:)

Love to all,
Erika

Going to give blogging a try

As much as I love my caring bridge site, I thought I'd give blogging a try. I feel that that site is to keep people updated on Colten and this is a good way to continue updating on our family life. We are hanging in there... taking it a day at a time right now. David, our pastor at the services, nailed grief on the head. It is like standing in the ocean with the waves coming at you, some are little ripples and others knock you on your can! I have had some pretty rough days, but am lucky enough to have an amazing support system to see me through.

Other things that have been going on:

Tallia turned 12 yesterday. I know that you are all thinking that I am WAY too young to have a twelve year old, and you are all right! I can't get over how fast time flies! We had a wonderful time celebrating with the family and tonight she is celebrating sleepover style with some friends. She is so grown up these days. I am the luckiest woman alive to have a daughter as amazing as her!

We joined the gym... Anyone who knows me knows how crazy that is:) I am trying to find something to fill my days now that I have no babies home with me. I am hoping that this will not only do that, but also help me get into shape!

I am getting ready to start on thank you notes. The kindness and outpouring of support we have received just blows my mind! Please know that we are so very thankful for you all and eventually I will get out my cards. I just need to lengthen my attention span first:)

Love to you all,

Erika