I really wasn't expecting to have a hard time on Thanksgiving, after all it's only Thanksgiving:) That's what I kept telling myself anyway. Turns out I was wrong. It was a really hard day and just the kick off of hard times a coming. I started remembering last Thanksgiving and how Dr Graham let us come home for the day and surprise everyone. It was such an amazing day! It was the first time Colten had been home since his transplant. The kids were so excited to see him and boy, did he love being with them! They had so much fun that night! Looking back, I realize that it was our last really good, carefree day. Four days later (Exactly one year ago today) is when our entire world fell apart. One year ago today is when we found out that the cancer was back and it was bad. The way I felt the moment I heard that is still so very fresh in my mind. My heart still breaks when I think about that phone call and looking at my son and knowing that I was going to lose him! I was so angry and feeling so defeated. At that moment it was by far the WORST day of my life! Of course the worst day came a month later. This time of year is hard for anyone who has ever lost someone, but for me it feels 1000 times worse because this also starts the time of year that I had to watch my son fade from this world. Life is feeling so unfair to me and I have waves of emotions just knocking me on my butt. I completely lost it at my desk today. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. This has never happened to me at work before. I work so hard at keeping a strong face on that the tears shook me to my core. Today is the first time in a long time that I have wondered how I am ever going to get through this! The pain feels so fresh as though it was only yesterday that this all happened. I know that in time the pain will ease and in a way that scares me too. How can this ever get any easier?? He will never be any less gone.
Please be patient with me right now. If I don't answer my phone, please don't take it personally. Just know that I appreciate you all and am doing all I am capable of right now (which is not much) and may not be up to talking. I still need your support and am not trying to shut anyone out. Thanks for sticking by me all this time!
All my love,
Erika
