Video

Found this video and wanted to share... Hope it works! Tallia had quite a few videos on her camera...

Four years ago....

Four years ago today God gave us Colten... I remember it like it was yesterday! Dale and I went to the hospital first thing in the morning for my c-section. We were so excited. A little after 10 in the morning our baby boy was here. Only a couple hours later the doctors came in to tell us that he had Down syndrome. I was shocked and devastated! How could my perfect little boy have something wrong with him!? It didn't take us long to realize that not only was there nothing wrong with him, but we had been giving an amazing gift! Every time he hit a milestone we were amazed and in awe of this incredible little boy! He was the light of our house and always radiated happiness! There was no child more incredible that our Colten! You have never truly seen a smile untile you saw his and never felt such complete, unconditional love like his! We were the luckiest people in the world to have been given this little angel to raise!

So now comes the questions and the anger and the heartbreak.... Why did You take him from us so soon! I have been having such a hard week and I am feeling such intense anger at God right now. Why will my baby never turn four? Why was such a gift taken away from us? What did we do to deserve this heartache? Why? Why?? Why???

I know there are no answers and this is something that we will never fully understand, but you know what? That just makes it hurt more! I should be planning a party with balloons and cake and presents. Not planning a day at the cemetary!! I can honestly tell you that there is no pain like what Dale and I are feeling. This has been so hard and his birthday feels like a slap in the face to me. It has really made it hit home that there will be no more birthdays for my little boy and I am having a hard time dealing with that!

I know that in time the pain and heartache will lesson, although it will never go away. I am just going to have to work extra hard to be strong right now.

I had so many other things that I wanted to write, but for now this is all I can do.

Erika

Good Days...

Well, everything has been going okay. School is keeping me really busy and having to get up and leave the house has been pretty good for me. (Even though I complain about it steady:)) David, my friend and the pastor who did Colten's services, gave me these amazing books to read and they are really helping. There are four of them and you read them at different points after the loss. It feels like reading a letter that was written just to me. They are really good. I am learning that everything that I am feeling is completely normal and all a part of the process. I have been thinking about going back to church but realize that it is really hard to do. In my heart I am not exactly angry at God, but I can't help but question His reasoning for things. Who knows, maybe it will help!

Yesterday was my birthday. I was nervous about how I would feel facing something special without my little boy. Thanks to my AMAZING husband and all my wonderful family and friends, I had a PERFECT day!! Of course Colten's absence was felt as it always will be, but it helped me to know that it was okay to still enjoy something special. Dale really went all out! And I started my day with all my favorite girls by going to a movie and getting our nails done:) I have never felt so loved!

We ordered Colten's bench and are anxiously awaiting its arrival. Janet is working as hard as she can to get it here by his birthday. That is just what we are hoping for!

Meanwhile, we are all just taking it a day at a time!

Love to all,
Erika

What to say???

I was thinking the other day how fast time can go by. Think about what it is like when you have a baby. One day you are holding this little bitty newborn baby and then you blink and they are a toddler. You blink again and they are in school. Blink again, and they are all grown up. Life flies by. Wednesday it was 3 months since we have lost Colten and it seems like SO much longer than that. I can't understand why when you are enjoying life the days fly by, yet when you are hurting, they seem to move in slow motion. Is it God's way of telling us that you can't rush the greiving process or is it simply because every day feels like a chore? I am not trying to rush anything.... I would just like to not feel so bogged down by sadness. I know that this is the way it is and I will never be the same person I was before, yet some days it just feels like more than I can bear. I think that a lot of how I am feeling has to do with the holidays. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I will really enjoy another holiday. Don't get me wrong, we will always make sure they are great days for the other kiddos, but I think I will never feel complete again. Tessa asked me if the easter bunny would leave Colten's basket by my bed so that we can take it to him at the cemetary. What do you say to that?? It is so heartbreaking to watch the kids try to figure out how he will be included in these special days. They love him so much that this is still so important to them. It is going to take a lot of time to get a handle on all this. I think the first year will be the hardest. This is when we have the first of every holiday without him and the first time birthdays will be celebrated without him. He was such a special little boy that our household somewhat revolved around him:) It is a learning experience for all of us.

I am still doing okay in school. I laugh at myself a lot of days with how much I am struggling to get through it. I spent an entire year taking a full load of classes while Colten was in the hospital here and then getting his transplant in Tucson. I even finished out the semester while on our Make-A-Wish trip. I managed that, but can barely manage this semester when I have NOTHING to do. I am an out of work stay at home mom and yet have a hard time getting my homework done! That seems pretty silly to me! I know that I am really just bitching and I apologize for that. I think I should explain that when I blog is when I am the most down. I have been thinking about doing a private blog as a journal for myself to outlet these feelings without including everyone I know in them, but I can't decide. You see, I know that people are never sure of how I am doing because I don't really talk about it to anyone and I want you all to be able to follow and know that I am working things out. I know of some people who worry that I have just shut down and am not allowing myself to feel. This is my way of ensuring that everyone knows that that is not the case. This is actually pretty theraputic for me.

Speaking of theraputic, I need to get back into the gym! That was so good for me! I really felt better both physically and emotionally when I was going. That will be my goal for the next month. If you talk to me, be sure to ask if I have gone. Maybe that will help get my butt in gear:)

Now that I am done with all that... Let me say that I hope you all have an amazing Easter! Eat lots of chocolate and enjoy every minute of the family time. That is my plan!

All my love,

Erika

This is Mater.. My little yorkie! I have the best hubby... He got him for me while I was in Michigan because he knows that I have always wanted one!

Nothing new

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but there is really nothing new to say. We went to California for a few days over spring break and had a really great time. The kids loved the beach and it was so nice to visit with my dad and Sharon. And of course I really loved getting to spend a little time with Lexia and her family! I sure miss having her live here. It was great!

Otherwise, still feeling pretty much the same. I am working through it and knowing that it takes time. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been going to the gym lately. I just can't find the time or the motivation and it's unfortunate because that really was theraputic for me. Maybe I'll get back soon.

I'll post more later along with some pictures

Love,
Erika

Anger and frustration anyone??

I have been having so many emotions that some days I don't even know how to deal with them. I had a great trip to Michigan! I loved every minute with my mom and Glen and it was so amazing to see my family. BUT.... I spent WAY too much time in my own head!! I am so busy at home with the kids, life, and just trying to go on that I don't have very much time to think. While I was gone I had a lot of thinking time and that is when this crazy anger emerged. I am so angry at everything! I am angry at God for taking my baby, I am angry that every day is another day without him, and I am angry that I am so depressed! I am also so very frustrated! I think of how hard Colten fought every day for a whole year and how much he went through with that smile on his face and it frustrates me to no end that it ended like this. How is it even fair that a child so young should have to go through so much only to lose his life in the end?? It just really pisses me off! I am thankful that he is no longer suffering, but can anyone explain to me why he had to suffer in the first place?! These are the questions that get to me. I go through every day with a happy face but this is the stuff that awaits me when I try to go to bed at night. Some days I am not sure how I am ever going to get through this. Of course I know that I will persevere and come out okay.

I also want to ask everyone for some major prayers for a friend of mine. Sharla is a mom I became close to in Tucson and her daughter is Bekah. Colten and Bekah were neighbors in the hospital and had their transplants a week apart. This has been a long hard road for them and now it just got crazy bumpy on them. Bekah is in the PICU in critical condition and needs all the prayers you can give. I am not going to go into detail but my heart is breaking for Sharla and this is all I can do to help, so please pray! If you want to follow her story you can go to her caringbridge. www.caringbridge.org/visit/prayersforbekah

I have been working hard at school already and it is seriously overwhelming me. I am really just not feeling it this semester. Considering I am two weeks from midterms, I hope I get back in the swing of things soon:) My practicuum is going good though and I love being with the kiddos. Even if the drive is ridiculously long:) A big thanks to Jackie for being such a wonderful SLP to learn from.

Thanks again for following my posts, even when I get negative! I have the best friend and family EVER!

Love to all,
Erika

Overwhelmed

Sorry that I haven't posted in awhile. It feels like life has just gotten a little crazy. We are all still hanging in there and doing pretty good, but I have still been pretty depressed. My semester started last week and as much as I am looking forward to having something to do with my days, it has been pretty overwhelming. I have my clinicals this semester which means I will be doing 150 hours as an SLPA under the supervision of a certified therapist. It will be good for me but my home has become a comfort zone for me so this has me freaking out!:)

I am really looking forward to my trip to Michigan! I leave Tuesday morning and will be gone for eight days. It will be so nice to have this time to myself, but as it gets closer I am worried about how much I will miss Dale and the kiddos. Dale and I have never spent more than 4 days apart in our 7 years together... Should be interesting to see how we handle it!

We are back in the routine of Dale working and I have finally gotten to the point where I am okay without him. I still miss him being there every minute, but it is helping to get life back on track. Even if it is a whole different track than the one we had been on. The kiddos are still doing good. Natalie's teacher says she has moments that she'll just break down in class but her teacher is so amazing and loves her so much that she is able to get her through them. It still surprises me that she is the one who is having the hardest time with everything. It helps to know that we will get through this and be okay.

With the help of my best friend Davina, I accomplished a few big projects this week. We went in Colten's room and got everything organized. I am not ready to pack anything up but almost all of his stuff was in the middle of the room. Poor Trentin couldn't even play in there because of all of Colten's toys. I got everything put into toyboxes and rubbermaids and put it in his closet. It was a very hard job but I am glad I did it. Then last night we put over 2500 pictures into albums! I had everything in order in photo boxes but needed to get them into albums. Talk about a HUGE job. The pictures went back to Christmas 2004.... Talk about a serious trip down memory lane! Sometimes it is hard for me to look at pictures but other times it just warms my heart. Luckily last night was a warms the heart kinda night. Thank you SO much Bina!! I love you!

One other thing that happened this week was a trip to Tucson. Dale had gotten a ticket right before the Make a Wish trip and we had to go take care of it. I spent the week looking forward to seeing all the people we had gotten so close to in our time there... Never did it cross my mind how emotional it would be to go back to the places that were ALL Colten to us. It was so hard to be in the hospital, clinic, and Ronald McDonald house again. All of our memories there revolve around Colten and his cancer. Lets just say that as wonderful as it was to see everybody, we won't be making that trip again anytime soon!

I think that covers most of it. Again, thank you to everyone who follows our life and continues to keep us in their thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us!

All my love,
Erika