It has been too long....

I want to start off by apoligizing for taking so long to update my blog. I know there are people who follow it that I am not able to talk to very often and count on my updates (Dad). There have been so many times that I have sat down to start and I have been unable to get my emotions into words. I am not sure if I will be able to accomplish that now, but I will catch you all up on everything else:)

Work has been going very good. I am loving my job with the preschoolers and I am regularly brainstorming ways to get them home in my purse:) Ther is nothing better than seeing some of their faces light up when I walk in the room. It warms my heart and acts as a balm where it has been broken. However, it has been VERY hard for me to get back into the swing of this working thing though! I can't even understand why this is the case. I have been back for over 3 months and still pout at the end of every weekend. Good thing my hubby thinks I'm cute or I would probably drive him crazy. I keep waiting for this part to end but I think I am too much of a night person for that to happen anytime soon. One thing that I can say for sure is that I LOVE getting a paycheck every two weeks. That was definately something I have missed over the last four years!

The kids are all doing really good and loving school. I can't believe how well Tallia has taken to Jr High. Those days were so yucky for me, but she is loving it! They are all getting big way too fast!

I have been having a really hard time getting a grip on my emotions. One day back in August I remember sitting there and trying to remember the last time I had allowed myself to cry. I realized that it had been a long time and that I had completely shut down emotionally. I did many things to try and induce some tears and they just wouldn't come. Let me start by explaining why I think this is a bad thing.... To me, a good cry is like a cleansing for the soul. Without them everything just continues to build up and weigh you down. I had been spending so much time trying to put on a happy face and hide my emotions so that I could get through a day that I forgot how to actually feel a REAL emotion. One night I was so sad and the tears would not come. They were trying to get out and my body just wouldn't allow them to. It ended up feeling like someone was literally ripping my heart out because the grief was so deep and the tears wouldn't come to give me some relief. The next morning I called and made a counseling appointment. I know what you all are thinking... 'It's about time', but this was something I had to come into on my own. I spent my first session learning how to release these emotions when I needed to. Let me just say that I was a hot mess for the following week!! I snapped the lid firmly back in place and told my counselor that I knew this was important, however, I still needed to be able to function in life. We are now working on easing the lid off so I can do both. I knew that the greiving process would be long and hard, but I never imagined just how dreadfully painful it would be! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever resemble the person I once was. I am fine with the sadness and know that it will be a constant presence in my life but I would like to feel like a normal person again! I have managed to shut so many people out of my life when I need them the very most. I get angry when a long time passes and nobody asks me how I am holding up and they act like life is back to normal for me, but then I get angry when people worry and call every day to check on me. It is a lose/lose situation for all involved and for that I apologize. I can't imagine that I am an east person to be aroung these day and want to thank you all for sticking by me even with my craziness!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still having a really hard time and don't feel any more 'healed' than the day it happened. The holiday and the memories they hold literally scare the crap out of me!! And there are many days I wonder how I will survive this pain that bears down on me every day without becoming a basketcase. I got to have lunch with Sharla the other day and it was very helpful. Her daughter Bekah was Coltens neighbor in Tucson and we became dear friends. She lost Bekah last night after a long year of battling aplastic anemia. My heart is so broken for her because I know what she is facing in the months to come. We were able to sit and talk about things that no mother should ever have to talk about. While others talk about school, attitudes, and birthday parties, we talked about laying our babies to rest and funerals. As depressing as it was, it was also so relieving to know that all I have felt and am still feeling is normal. As horrible as the reason for our bond is, I am sure glad that I have her in my life!

Sorry if this sounded like rambling. It really is hard to put everything into words! Thanks again for sticking by me, and know that I love you all!

Erika