Overwhelmed

Sorry that I haven't posted in awhile. It feels like life has just gotten a little crazy. We are all still hanging in there and doing pretty good, but I have still been pretty depressed. My semester started last week and as much as I am looking forward to having something to do with my days, it has been pretty overwhelming. I have my clinicals this semester which means I will be doing 150 hours as an SLPA under the supervision of a certified therapist. It will be good for me but my home has become a comfort zone for me so this has me freaking out!:)

I am really looking forward to my trip to Michigan! I leave Tuesday morning and will be gone for eight days. It will be so nice to have this time to myself, but as it gets closer I am worried about how much I will miss Dale and the kiddos. Dale and I have never spent more than 4 days apart in our 7 years together... Should be interesting to see how we handle it!

We are back in the routine of Dale working and I have finally gotten to the point where I am okay without him. I still miss him being there every minute, but it is helping to get life back on track. Even if it is a whole different track than the one we had been on. The kiddos are still doing good. Natalie's teacher says she has moments that she'll just break down in class but her teacher is so amazing and loves her so much that she is able to get her through them. It still surprises me that she is the one who is having the hardest time with everything. It helps to know that we will get through this and be okay.

With the help of my best friend Davina, I accomplished a few big projects this week. We went in Colten's room and got everything organized. I am not ready to pack anything up but almost all of his stuff was in the middle of the room. Poor Trentin couldn't even play in there because of all of Colten's toys. I got everything put into toyboxes and rubbermaids and put it in his closet. It was a very hard job but I am glad I did it. Then last night we put over 2500 pictures into albums! I had everything in order in photo boxes but needed to get them into albums. Talk about a HUGE job. The pictures went back to Christmas 2004.... Talk about a serious trip down memory lane! Sometimes it is hard for me to look at pictures but other times it just warms my heart. Luckily last night was a warms the heart kinda night. Thank you SO much Bina!! I love you!

One other thing that happened this week was a trip to Tucson. Dale had gotten a ticket right before the Make a Wish trip and we had to go take care of it. I spent the week looking forward to seeing all the people we had gotten so close to in our time there... Never did it cross my mind how emotional it would be to go back to the places that were ALL Colten to us. It was so hard to be in the hospital, clinic, and Ronald McDonald house again. All of our memories there revolve around Colten and his cancer. Lets just say that as wonderful as it was to see everybody, we won't be making that trip again anytime soon!

I think that covers most of it. Again, thank you to everyone who follows our life and continues to keep us in their thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us!

All my love,
Erika

What can I say....

Sorry that I haven't updated in awhile. Sometimes I don't even know how to put into words the feelings that I am experiencing.

The past two weeks have been okay. The week following my last post was pretty rough, but I was expecting that. I am still going to the gym regularly and really love it. I complain about it steady, but it actually feels pretty good:) I know that I have some depression sneaking up on me and have been doing a lot of thinking about how to handle it. It's not that I sit around and cry all day, but I am lacking my usual zest. I have such a wonderful support system with all my friends and family, but for the most part being social just feels like a lot of work. Don't get me wrong, I have good days.... I can just tell that I am not myself. I know what you all are thinking.... "Of course you don't feel like yourself, look at what you have been through". I know these are normal feelings but it doesn't mean I have to like it! I think part of the problem is that I put on my strong face a year ago for Colten and haven't figured out how to take it off yet. I am not crying enough and really not letting myself feel the emotions that are inevitable. But let me tell you something.... When I do pull down that face... IT HURTS!! I can't explain the physical and emotional pain that I feel when I am crying. I can guarantee that there is nothing like it in the whole world! I just miss him so much every minute of every day! Of course, this is all normal and to be expected.

On a happy note, I have bought a plane ticket to go and visit the U.P. My mom and Glen are heading there to see my grandpa and the rest of the family and I have decided to tag along. I am really looking forward to this. Being a mom is my whole life and I will miss the kiddos like crazy, but it will be nice to have 8 days of only being me. No one will need anything from me for 8 whole days:) It will be amazing! Hopefully I can stay busy enough so that I don't spend to much time alone in my own head... We'll see.

Again I want to thank EVERYONE for all that they have done for us this past year!! I have tried to write my thank you notes numerous times but just end up a mess. I just want to make sure that you all know how much Dale and I appreciate every thing that was done for us, little or big, this year! I think of you all as my own personal angels... We definately couldn't have made it through all of this without you all! I love you all from the bottom of my heart!:):)

Erika