Good Days...

Well, everything has been going okay. School is keeping me really busy and having to get up and leave the house has been pretty good for me. (Even though I complain about it steady:)) David, my friend and the pastor who did Colten's services, gave me these amazing books to read and they are really helping. There are four of them and you read them at different points after the loss. It feels like reading a letter that was written just to me. They are really good. I am learning that everything that I am feeling is completely normal and all a part of the process. I have been thinking about going back to church but realize that it is really hard to do. In my heart I am not exactly angry at God, but I can't help but question His reasoning for things. Who knows, maybe it will help!

Yesterday was my birthday. I was nervous about how I would feel facing something special without my little boy. Thanks to my AMAZING husband and all my wonderful family and friends, I had a PERFECT day!! Of course Colten's absence was felt as it always will be, but it helped me to know that it was okay to still enjoy something special. Dale really went all out! And I started my day with all my favorite girls by going to a movie and getting our nails done:) I have never felt so loved!

We ordered Colten's bench and are anxiously awaiting its arrival. Janet is working as hard as she can to get it here by his birthday. That is just what we are hoping for!

Meanwhile, we are all just taking it a day at a time!

Love to all,
Erika

What to say???

I was thinking the other day how fast time can go by. Think about what it is like when you have a baby. One day you are holding this little bitty newborn baby and then you blink and they are a toddler. You blink again and they are in school. Blink again, and they are all grown up. Life flies by. Wednesday it was 3 months since we have lost Colten and it seems like SO much longer than that. I can't understand why when you are enjoying life the days fly by, yet when you are hurting, they seem to move in slow motion. Is it God's way of telling us that you can't rush the greiving process or is it simply because every day feels like a chore? I am not trying to rush anything.... I would just like to not feel so bogged down by sadness. I know that this is the way it is and I will never be the same person I was before, yet some days it just feels like more than I can bear. I think that a lot of how I am feeling has to do with the holidays. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I will really enjoy another holiday. Don't get me wrong, we will always make sure they are great days for the other kiddos, but I think I will never feel complete again. Tessa asked me if the easter bunny would leave Colten's basket by my bed so that we can take it to him at the cemetary. What do you say to that?? It is so heartbreaking to watch the kids try to figure out how he will be included in these special days. They love him so much that this is still so important to them. It is going to take a lot of time to get a handle on all this. I think the first year will be the hardest. This is when we have the first of every holiday without him and the first time birthdays will be celebrated without him. He was such a special little boy that our household somewhat revolved around him:) It is a learning experience for all of us.

I am still doing okay in school. I laugh at myself a lot of days with how much I am struggling to get through it. I spent an entire year taking a full load of classes while Colten was in the hospital here and then getting his transplant in Tucson. I even finished out the semester while on our Make-A-Wish trip. I managed that, but can barely manage this semester when I have NOTHING to do. I am an out of work stay at home mom and yet have a hard time getting my homework done! That seems pretty silly to me! I know that I am really just bitching and I apologize for that. I think I should explain that when I blog is when I am the most down. I have been thinking about doing a private blog as a journal for myself to outlet these feelings without including everyone I know in them, but I can't decide. You see, I know that people are never sure of how I am doing because I don't really talk about it to anyone and I want you all to be able to follow and know that I am working things out. I know of some people who worry that I have just shut down and am not allowing myself to feel. This is my way of ensuring that everyone knows that that is not the case. This is actually pretty theraputic for me.

Speaking of theraputic, I need to get back into the gym! That was so good for me! I really felt better both physically and emotionally when I was going. That will be my goal for the next month. If you talk to me, be sure to ask if I have gone. Maybe that will help get my butt in gear:)

Now that I am done with all that... Let me say that I hope you all have an amazing Easter! Eat lots of chocolate and enjoy every minute of the family time. That is my plan!

All my love,

Erika

This is Mater.. My little yorkie! I have the best hubby... He got him for me while I was in Michigan because he knows that I have always wanted one!