What to say???

I was thinking the other day how fast time can go by. Think about what it is like when you have a baby. One day you are holding this little bitty newborn baby and then you blink and they are a toddler. You blink again and they are in school. Blink again, and they are all grown up. Life flies by. Wednesday it was 3 months since we have lost Colten and it seems like SO much longer than that. I can't understand why when you are enjoying life the days fly by, yet when you are hurting, they seem to move in slow motion. Is it God's way of telling us that you can't rush the greiving process or is it simply because every day feels like a chore? I am not trying to rush anything.... I would just like to not feel so bogged down by sadness. I know that this is the way it is and I will never be the same person I was before, yet some days it just feels like more than I can bear. I think that a lot of how I am feeling has to do with the holidays. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I will really enjoy another holiday. Don't get me wrong, we will always make sure they are great days for the other kiddos, but I think I will never feel complete again. Tessa asked me if the easter bunny would leave Colten's basket by my bed so that we can take it to him at the cemetary. What do you say to that?? It is so heartbreaking to watch the kids try to figure out how he will be included in these special days. They love him so much that this is still so important to them. It is going to take a lot of time to get a handle on all this. I think the first year will be the hardest. This is when we have the first of every holiday without him and the first time birthdays will be celebrated without him. He was such a special little boy that our household somewhat revolved around him:) It is a learning experience for all of us.

I am still doing okay in school. I laugh at myself a lot of days with how much I am struggling to get through it. I spent an entire year taking a full load of classes while Colten was in the hospital here and then getting his transplant in Tucson. I even finished out the semester while on our Make-A-Wish trip. I managed that, but can barely manage this semester when I have NOTHING to do. I am an out of work stay at home mom and yet have a hard time getting my homework done! That seems pretty silly to me! I know that I am really just bitching and I apologize for that. I think I should explain that when I blog is when I am the most down. I have been thinking about doing a private blog as a journal for myself to outlet these feelings without including everyone I know in them, but I can't decide. You see, I know that people are never sure of how I am doing because I don't really talk about it to anyone and I want you all to be able to follow and know that I am working things out. I know of some people who worry that I have just shut down and am not allowing myself to feel. This is my way of ensuring that everyone knows that that is not the case. This is actually pretty theraputic for me.

Speaking of theraputic, I need to get back into the gym! That was so good for me! I really felt better both physically and emotionally when I was going. That will be my goal for the next month. If you talk to me, be sure to ask if I have gone. Maybe that will help get my butt in gear:)

Now that I am done with all that... Let me say that I hope you all have an amazing Easter! Eat lots of chocolate and enjoy every minute of the family time. That is my plan!

All my love,

Erika

This is Mater.. My little yorkie! I have the best hubby... He got him for me while I was in Michigan because he knows that I have always wanted one!