Four years ago today God gave us Colten... I remember it like it was yesterday! Dale and I went to the hospital first thing in the morning for my c-section. We were so excited. A little after 10 in the morning our baby boy was here. Only a couple hours later the doctors came in to tell us that he had Down syndrome. I was shocked and devastated! How could my perfect little boy have something wrong with him!? It didn't take us long to realize that not only was there nothing wrong with him, but we had been giving an amazing gift! Every time he hit a milestone we were amazed and in awe of this incredible little boy! He was the light of our house and always radiated happiness! There was no child more incredible that our Colten! You have never truly seen a smile untile you saw his and never felt such complete, unconditional love like his! We were the luckiest people in the world to have been given this little angel to raise!
So now comes the questions and the anger and the heartbreak.... Why did You take him from us so soon! I have been having such a hard week and I am feeling such intense anger at God right now. Why will my baby never turn four? Why was such a gift taken away from us? What did we do to deserve this heartache? Why? Why?? Why???
I know there are no answers and this is something that we will never fully understand, but you know what? That just makes it hurt more! I should be planning a party with balloons and cake and presents. Not planning a day at the cemetary!! I can honestly tell you that there is no pain like what Dale and I are feeling. This has been so hard and his birthday feels like a slap in the face to me. It has really made it hit home that there will be no more birthdays for my little boy and I am having a hard time dealing with that!
I know that in time the pain and heartache will lesson, although it will never go away. I am just going to have to work extra hard to be strong right now.
I had so many other things that I wanted to write, but for now this is all I can do.
Erika
Dale, Erika, and little famiy,
ReplyDeleteI have been unable to sleep for awhile now. Couldn't understand it...until I got up and read your blog. Have known this to be probably one of the hardest weeks for all of you. It breaks Uncle Ed's and my heart knowing the pain you must be going through...well no one can ever say they know your pain...we just can't.
All we can offer you is our love...and prayers.
That is just what I am doing as I write this. I am praying the Lord to ease your pain...but more so...give you a promise of a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) As well as peace knowing that some day you will see "Wee Man" again. I can't even begin to understand your pain of empty arms that once held such love. You are right when you say little Colten loved unconditionally. If ever there was a smile of Jesus here on earth it seemed always to be present on his beautiful face. He was like a ripple in the water that just continues to go forth...in many hearts the little waves are still stirring the love he radiated...still reaching the shores of live's of all that he touched. We don't even have to look far...there are five more beautiful little persons that you and Dale have been blessed with...when you look close you can see the reflection of "wee man" looking back at you. They too have been blessed with a knowledge and love that many never experience in their life time. Oh...add to that list 2 more treasures...yes...you and Dale, Erika are blessings and are the pillars that so many wish they could be. Uncle Ed and I are honored to have you both as our nephew n niece. We love you so...and only wish we could take your pain for you. Just as we wish we could take all the families pain. Please call me anytime needed...day or night...as you can see by the time right now...I am versital. 623 810 0246
Our Love always,
Uncle Ed n Aunt Claudia
Oh, baby. I'm SO sorry for your and Dale's pain. Colten was the most amazing little man God ever made. But I don't need to tell you that!!
ReplyDeleteAll of your emotions are justified and one day you and God will be back on speaking terms. Until then, just know that He and Colten are watching over all of us - and all of us are here to help you in any way you need.
I love you so much.
~A
I have had you in my thoughts this week and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to have the feelings that you are having. You know that we are all here for your family when you need us. I love you and I pray that strength and peace find you today.
ReplyDeleteBina and family
I am so sorry for your loss. The world is a better place because Colten was in it. He is with his Heavenly Father now, perfect and healed in every way.
ReplyDeleteOh Erika - I cannot begin to imagine the hurt... I feel so blessed to have experienced that incredible unconditional love and the blown kisses... oh the blown kisses and the run into my arms... and the love for me (even if he was using me to go explore...). Man, I miss that smile. I cannot begin to fathom the partying that was going on in heaven during his spectacular mater and mcqueen party (Noah very assertively told me that was what was happening in heaven yesterday and then said that he "wished he could have the biggest party ever in heaven"). Oh, the simplicity of a child.
ReplyDeleteI cannot even attempt to answer the tough questions or understand why. It is the biggest question that haunts me and no doubt will continue to haunt me. Just know that we love you and that God can handle whatever you feel... He also wants to wrap you up in His arms and give you the comfort of His love and the comfort of knowing that He has your precious boy cradled in his arms.
Hang in there. Love you.
Tiffany