Catching up....

I apologize for not posting in so long! As you can imagine, the last couple months have been crazy busy and emotionally draining. Let me start with our Christmas... We actually had an amazing day! No holiday will ever be the same, however, we still have 5 wonderful children who were super excited and deserved a great day. And that is what they got. I had expected the sadness to be overwhelming that day because of past experience throughout the year, but the happiness of my kiddos kept that from being possible! I am so lucky to have them!

As New Year's Eve approached, I started to fall apart. I was reliving the pain I experienced the previous year and it was not lessened in any way. When I woke up on the anniversary of that horrible day, the tears started flowing and I was sure that there was no way I would make it out of bed that day! I wasn't sure I even wanted to try. The sadness was so heavy in my heart it was weighing me down. I started to wonder if there was any way I could just hide in my bed until the day was over. As I was pondering all of this with the tears flowing, the doorbell rang. I was overcome by anger... Who would dare impose on the 'pity party' I was allowing myself to have! I crawled out of bed and made myself somewhat presentable to face this rotten person:) When I saw the love and kindness in her eyes I could no longer be mad. She said she just came to give me a hug, but didn't call because she knew I would say no. She sure knows me well:) Turns out all I needed was that hug to remind me of how many people care and to get me going for the day. The rest of the day was filled with support from my amazing family and loving friends! Thanks to every one of you for getting me through that horrible day! And I will plan to see you all again next year- same time- same place:)

Right after Christmas my mom went back to Michigan to help care for my Grandpa. He had been battling cancer for awhile and it was starting to take over. I talked to my mom every day while she was there and my heart hurt so bad for her. The worst thing a person could have to experience is watching a loved one die. There are no words to explain how hard it is emotionally. Any one who has gone through this understands and I hope the ones who don't, never have to find out. As my heart was breaking for my mom, I was spending my nights reliving my own experience. Needless to say, I was emotionally drained, my mom was emotionally drained, and life was expected to proceed as normal. My Papa Ed went to be with Grandma Cubby and Colten on January 10th. He was 89 years old and ready to reunite with the love of his life. The sadness we feel and the tears we cry are only for ourselves. For he is a lucky man to finally be where he had wanted to be.

It took me awhile to get back into the swing of things, and part of me is still trying. I think the first of every year will be hard. It starts off with the memory of losing him and then jumps right in to the memories of his fight. He was originally diagnosed on January 26th, 2009 and it marks the start of his courageous fight angainst and evil thing. He was the strongest person I will ever have the honor of knowing and I thank God every day that He chose me to share in his short life.

All my love,

Erika