Busy Days

I have to say that I am sorry for how long it has been since a REAL post. Thanks for all the support with the t-shirts and the Buddy Walk. We are really looking forward to it.


I think the reason that I have not posted so long is because I don't want people to think we are not coping. I only come here when I am super down and need a place to get it out. I think of it as my own little journal (that I share with everyone I know)! So it was feeling as though all of my posts were negative and that is not the life I am living, so I didn't want anyone to think it was. Hope that makes sense.

Life has decided it was going to keep moving and it was time for us to join in. We have had SO much going on this year so far and it has been mixed with a roller coaster of emotions. First of all, Dale and I decided it was time to quit smoking (yes, we smoked). We smoked our last cigarette on January 2nd and have been nicotine free since then! Let me just say that 2 days after the one year marking of your son's death might not be the best time to quit smoking!! It was pretty rough for the first couple months, but is doesn't seem to be as bad now. Not to mention that together we have saved over $2500 in 8 months! Crazy, right! And if that wasn't enough, we then decided to both go back to school! What in the hell were we thinking!?!? I finish 2 HARD classes on Saturday and have decided to take a break from school. I just want to be a mom for a while... And a full time speech assistant too:)

The kids are amazing! They are growing up so very fast, which is one thing that makes the sadness come. They are what ensures me that I am doing a good job of proceeding with life no matter how much I want to resist sometimes! We had a lot of fun this summer with 3 different camping trips to the lake with all the kids and family too! The kids make me feel real happiness, not just the front I try to put on all the time. It went by fast and then it was back to work for me and school for the kids. I think the first day of school was one of my super hard days. Colten would have started kindergarten! Can you believe it?! My BABY would have been in kindergarten! It made me realize just how many things I have ahead of me that will emphasize ALL that was taken!

Being married to my best friend makes coping easier though! Earl is such an amazing husband and I wonder what kind of padded room I would be in if I didn't have him by my side! He moved over to Chandler PD at the beginning of summer and has been back training again. And even though his plate is full with that he cooks dinner, does homework with the kids, cleans the house, AND will still take the time to hold me while I cry! Can anyone say Super husband! I am the luckiest girl around when it comes to husbands:)

I think one of the biggest challenges I have faced is that it is not getting easier. For some reason, I though that after the first year it would all hurt less. I thought that the pain would lessen and life would get easier to live. I have no idea why I thought this, but I did. It has just as hard, if not harder. I think the second year must be spent not waiting for the pain to ease, but learning to live with the full weight of the greif. Not an easy task, but there are not a lot of alternatives. That is what Earl and I are working on this year. Learning to have fun and laugh in spite of the heavy hearts and learning to cry when we need to cry. So much time has been focused on putting on a happy face that I think we forget sometimes to drop the front and just feel.

I know this will be a lifetime of greiving and a lifetime of learning to live with it. I am just grateful that I have an amazing husband, wonderful kids, and an incredible support system to help me through it!

All my love,
Erika


PS... Keep in mind that I do not re-read my posts, so please excuse any misspellings or sentences that just don't make sense. I know if I re-read it, I would end up deleting most of it. Thanks:)