Busy Days

I have to say that I am sorry for how long it has been since a REAL post. Thanks for all the support with the t-shirts and the Buddy Walk. We are really looking forward to it.


I think the reason that I have not posted so long is because I don't want people to think we are not coping. I only come here when I am super down and need a place to get it out. I think of it as my own little journal (that I share with everyone I know)! So it was feeling as though all of my posts were negative and that is not the life I am living, so I didn't want anyone to think it was. Hope that makes sense.

Life has decided it was going to keep moving and it was time for us to join in. We have had SO much going on this year so far and it has been mixed with a roller coaster of emotions. First of all, Dale and I decided it was time to quit smoking (yes, we smoked). We smoked our last cigarette on January 2nd and have been nicotine free since then! Let me just say that 2 days after the one year marking of your son's death might not be the best time to quit smoking!! It was pretty rough for the first couple months, but is doesn't seem to be as bad now. Not to mention that together we have saved over $2500 in 8 months! Crazy, right! And if that wasn't enough, we then decided to both go back to school! What in the hell were we thinking!?!? I finish 2 HARD classes on Saturday and have decided to take a break from school. I just want to be a mom for a while... And a full time speech assistant too:)

The kids are amazing! They are growing up so very fast, which is one thing that makes the sadness come. They are what ensures me that I am doing a good job of proceeding with life no matter how much I want to resist sometimes! We had a lot of fun this summer with 3 different camping trips to the lake with all the kids and family too! The kids make me feel real happiness, not just the front I try to put on all the time. It went by fast and then it was back to work for me and school for the kids. I think the first day of school was one of my super hard days. Colten would have started kindergarten! Can you believe it?! My BABY would have been in kindergarten! It made me realize just how many things I have ahead of me that will emphasize ALL that was taken!

Being married to my best friend makes coping easier though! Earl is such an amazing husband and I wonder what kind of padded room I would be in if I didn't have him by my side! He moved over to Chandler PD at the beginning of summer and has been back training again. And even though his plate is full with that he cooks dinner, does homework with the kids, cleans the house, AND will still take the time to hold me while I cry! Can anyone say Super husband! I am the luckiest girl around when it comes to husbands:)

I think one of the biggest challenges I have faced is that it is not getting easier. For some reason, I though that after the first year it would all hurt less. I thought that the pain would lessen and life would get easier to live. I have no idea why I thought this, but I did. It has just as hard, if not harder. I think the second year must be spent not waiting for the pain to ease, but learning to live with the full weight of the greif. Not an easy task, but there are not a lot of alternatives. That is what Earl and I are working on this year. Learning to have fun and laugh in spite of the heavy hearts and learning to cry when we need to cry. So much time has been focused on putting on a happy face that I think we forget sometimes to drop the front and just feel.

I know this will be a lifetime of greiving and a lifetime of learning to live with it. I am just grateful that I have an amazing husband, wonderful kids, and an incredible support system to help me through it!

All my love,
Erika


PS... Keep in mind that I do not re-read my posts, so please excuse any misspellings or sentences that just don't make sense. I know if I re-read it, I would end up deleting most of it. Thanks:)

Buddy Walk

This is going to be a short post with a promise that I will write a real 'update' soon:) I just wanted to take a minute to invite everyone to the Buddy Walk this year. I put all of the details on my caringbridge site so please go there for the details www.caringbridge.org/visit/coltencowell . I am working on a t-shirt design and am placing the order tomorrow. I have created a donate button ONLY as a place for people to pay for their shirts. Please let me know by tonight if you want a t-shirt for $10.oo and let me know via email or facebook if you put a payment in. I know this seems like a difficult way of doing it, hwever, meeting up with everyone to collect the money is way more time consuming:)

Love you all and call me if you have any questions about the walk!

Erika

Catching up....

I apologize for not posting in so long! As you can imagine, the last couple months have been crazy busy and emotionally draining. Let me start with our Christmas... We actually had an amazing day! No holiday will ever be the same, however, we still have 5 wonderful children who were super excited and deserved a great day. And that is what they got. I had expected the sadness to be overwhelming that day because of past experience throughout the year, but the happiness of my kiddos kept that from being possible! I am so lucky to have them!

As New Year's Eve approached, I started to fall apart. I was reliving the pain I experienced the previous year and it was not lessened in any way. When I woke up on the anniversary of that horrible day, the tears started flowing and I was sure that there was no way I would make it out of bed that day! I wasn't sure I even wanted to try. The sadness was so heavy in my heart it was weighing me down. I started to wonder if there was any way I could just hide in my bed until the day was over. As I was pondering all of this with the tears flowing, the doorbell rang. I was overcome by anger... Who would dare impose on the 'pity party' I was allowing myself to have! I crawled out of bed and made myself somewhat presentable to face this rotten person:) When I saw the love and kindness in her eyes I could no longer be mad. She said she just came to give me a hug, but didn't call because she knew I would say no. She sure knows me well:) Turns out all I needed was that hug to remind me of how many people care and to get me going for the day. The rest of the day was filled with support from my amazing family and loving friends! Thanks to every one of you for getting me through that horrible day! And I will plan to see you all again next year- same time- same place:)

Right after Christmas my mom went back to Michigan to help care for my Grandpa. He had been battling cancer for awhile and it was starting to take over. I talked to my mom every day while she was there and my heart hurt so bad for her. The worst thing a person could have to experience is watching a loved one die. There are no words to explain how hard it is emotionally. Any one who has gone through this understands and I hope the ones who don't, never have to find out. As my heart was breaking for my mom, I was spending my nights reliving my own experience. Needless to say, I was emotionally drained, my mom was emotionally drained, and life was expected to proceed as normal. My Papa Ed went to be with Grandma Cubby and Colten on January 10th. He was 89 years old and ready to reunite with the love of his life. The sadness we feel and the tears we cry are only for ourselves. For he is a lucky man to finally be where he had wanted to be.

It took me awhile to get back into the swing of things, and part of me is still trying. I think the first of every year will be hard. It starts off with the memory of losing him and then jumps right in to the memories of his fight. He was originally diagnosed on January 26th, 2009 and it marks the start of his courageous fight angainst and evil thing. He was the strongest person I will ever have the honor of knowing and I thank God every day that He chose me to share in his short life.

All my love,

Erika