Hard times.

I really wasn't expecting to have a hard time on Thanksgiving, after all it's only Thanksgiving:) That's what I kept telling myself anyway. Turns out I was wrong. It was a really hard day and just the kick off of hard times a coming. I started remembering last Thanksgiving and how Dr Graham let us come home for the day and surprise everyone. It was such an amazing day! It was the first time Colten had been home since his transplant. The kids were so excited to see him and boy, did he love being with them! They had so much fun that night! Looking back, I realize that it was our last really good, carefree day. Four days later (Exactly one year ago today) is when our entire world fell apart. One year ago today is when we found out that the cancer was back and it was bad. The way I felt the moment I heard that is still so very fresh in my mind. My heart still breaks when I think about that phone call and looking at my son and knowing that I was going to lose him! I was so angry and feeling so defeated. At that moment it was by far the WORST day of my life! Of course the worst day came a month later. This time of year is hard for anyone who has ever lost someone, but for me it feels 1000 times worse because this also starts the time of year that I had to watch my son fade from this world. Life is feeling so unfair to me and I have waves of emotions just knocking me on my butt. I completely lost it at my desk today. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. This has never happened to me at work before. I work so hard at keeping a strong face on that the tears shook me to my core. Today is the first time in a long time that I have wondered how I am ever going to get through this! The pain feels so fresh as though it was only yesterday that this all happened. I know that in time the pain will ease and in a way that scares me too. How can this ever get any easier?? He will never be any less gone.

Please be patient with me right now. If I don't answer my phone, please don't take it personally. Just know that I appreciate you all and am doing all I am capable of right now (which is not much) and may not be up to talking. I still need your support and am not trying to shut anyone out. Thanks for sticking by me all this time!

All my love,

Erika

It has been too long....

I want to start off by apoligizing for taking so long to update my blog. I know there are people who follow it that I am not able to talk to very often and count on my updates (Dad). There have been so many times that I have sat down to start and I have been unable to get my emotions into words. I am not sure if I will be able to accomplish that now, but I will catch you all up on everything else:)

Work has been going very good. I am loving my job with the preschoolers and I am regularly brainstorming ways to get them home in my purse:) Ther is nothing better than seeing some of their faces light up when I walk in the room. It warms my heart and acts as a balm where it has been broken. However, it has been VERY hard for me to get back into the swing of this working thing though! I can't even understand why this is the case. I have been back for over 3 months and still pout at the end of every weekend. Good thing my hubby thinks I'm cute or I would probably drive him crazy. I keep waiting for this part to end but I think I am too much of a night person for that to happen anytime soon. One thing that I can say for sure is that I LOVE getting a paycheck every two weeks. That was definately something I have missed over the last four years!

The kids are all doing really good and loving school. I can't believe how well Tallia has taken to Jr High. Those days were so yucky for me, but she is loving it! They are all getting big way too fast!

I have been having a really hard time getting a grip on my emotions. One day back in August I remember sitting there and trying to remember the last time I had allowed myself to cry. I realized that it had been a long time and that I had completely shut down emotionally. I did many things to try and induce some tears and they just wouldn't come. Let me start by explaining why I think this is a bad thing.... To me, a good cry is like a cleansing for the soul. Without them everything just continues to build up and weigh you down. I had been spending so much time trying to put on a happy face and hide my emotions so that I could get through a day that I forgot how to actually feel a REAL emotion. One night I was so sad and the tears would not come. They were trying to get out and my body just wouldn't allow them to. It ended up feeling like someone was literally ripping my heart out because the grief was so deep and the tears wouldn't come to give me some relief. The next morning I called and made a counseling appointment. I know what you all are thinking... 'It's about time', but this was something I had to come into on my own. I spent my first session learning how to release these emotions when I needed to. Let me just say that I was a hot mess for the following week!! I snapped the lid firmly back in place and told my counselor that I knew this was important, however, I still needed to be able to function in life. We are now working on easing the lid off so I can do both. I knew that the greiving process would be long and hard, but I never imagined just how dreadfully painful it would be! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever resemble the person I once was. I am fine with the sadness and know that it will be a constant presence in my life but I would like to feel like a normal person again! I have managed to shut so many people out of my life when I need them the very most. I get angry when a long time passes and nobody asks me how I am holding up and they act like life is back to normal for me, but then I get angry when people worry and call every day to check on me. It is a lose/lose situation for all involved and for that I apologize. I can't imagine that I am an east person to be aroung these day and want to thank you all for sticking by me even with my craziness!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still having a really hard time and don't feel any more 'healed' than the day it happened. The holiday and the memories they hold literally scare the crap out of me!! And there are many days I wonder how I will survive this pain that bears down on me every day without becoming a basketcase. I got to have lunch with Sharla the other day and it was very helpful. Her daughter Bekah was Coltens neighbor in Tucson and we became dear friends. She lost Bekah last night after a long year of battling aplastic anemia. My heart is so broken for her because I know what she is facing in the months to come. We were able to sit and talk about things that no mother should ever have to talk about. While others talk about school, attitudes, and birthday parties, we talked about laying our babies to rest and funerals. As depressing as it was, it was also so relieving to know that all I have felt and am still feeling is normal. As horrible as the reason for our bond is, I am sure glad that I have her in my life!

Sorry if this sounded like rambling. It really is hard to put everything into words! Thanks again for sticking by me, and know that I love you all!

Erika

Busy Summer!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post but we have had a really busy summer! Having the kids home from school has been wonderful. Right after school got out we took them camping for a few days... It was SO nice to get away and relax! The kids had a blast playing in the creek and catching crawdads. The weather was beautiful and good times were had by all! We have been keeping them busy to try and keep the boredom at bay. We did a day at Sunsplash and I think I had as much fun as the kids! Those slides are just as fun now as they were when I was little. Of course I was feeling my age the next day when my neck hurt so bad that I could barely moce, but it was worth it!

My summer was pretty short because I started my new job this week. We are so excited to have a second income after all this time that we don't know what to do with ourselves:) But, I have to say that after over 4 years of sleeping in and playing with my kiddos all day this has been a HARD adjustment! I always knew I wasn't much of a morning person, now I know just how very true that is! Even having to wake up early everyday can't diminish my excitement of putting all that schooling to work. I know that I am going to love working in the speech field and can't wait to meet all those cute pre-schoolers. My supervisor told me that there will be two little ones on my case load and I asked her if she thought me stealing them would go over okay:) I do worry about how it will feel to work with kids that are the same age as Colten was... I have a feeling that I will have some hard days, but knowing that I am making a difference in their lives will pull me through!

Not a minute goes by that I don't miss my little Wee Man... I know that this will be my life now and Dale and I are adjusting to that. I have had a few nights where the anger, frustration, immense sadness, and broken heart have kept me up but I will just continue to pull through. There is no other option. I just thank God for the time I got to have with Colten even if I don't think it was long enough!

Thanks for all the love and support that has been giving to us through everything! Love you all with all my heart!

Erika

Sorry it's been awhile...

Sorry I haven't posted in a little while but it was a pretty emotional start to the month. The days leading up to Colten's birthday were SO hard on me! I cried so much that I think I ran out of tears by his actual birthday. The morning of his birthday Dale and I went to the cemetary to watch as they finalized setting his bench. It is so beautiful and I couldn't have asked for a better present for him and myself on that day. Jan (my aunt) worked extra hard and did some wheeling and dealing to make sure it was there on his birthday and I couldn't be more grateful to her. Just have to add that she is by far one of the most amazing women I have ever met and there is no way I could have made it through all this without her! I am so blessed to have her as my family! Anyways, not only did she manage to get the bench there and set, she also worked miracles and the picture tile was there as well! It made such a difference to the day. After the kids got out of school we went with the rest of the family to be there with him on that special day. Tiffany had given me the great idea to do a balloon release with birthday notes to Colten tied to them. Not only did the kids love it, but so did the adults. I will do that every year... Thanks Tiffany for that idea. I guess what it all comes down to is that not only did I make it through the day, but it turned out to be a good day!

On another note, I am totally done with my SLPA program!!! I can't believe I made it through. I know it is tacky to boast your own accomplishments too much but I am going to do just that! I went back to school in the fall of 2008. It had been 11 years since I had gone to school but I decided it was time. Colten got diagnosed with leukemia at the very start of my second semester. I spent many hours trying to decide if I was going to postpone my classes for awhile but decided against it. I lugged my computer back and forth to the hospital every time we went and spent Colten's sleeping hours doing classwork. I took summer classes and registered for the fall semester. Again, right before my FULL classload was about to start, we found out that he had relapsed. I wanted nothing more than to quit school then and there! Everyone encouraged me to do just that... I had so much on my plate already. I was just afraid that if I took the semester off, it would take another 11 years for me to go back. So instead I hauled my laptop off to Tucson determined to make it through. When we found out that Colten's cancer wasn't gone and we were planning for the end, I didn't know what to do. I ended up doing a few assignments on our make-a-wish trip even. This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life!! And I was doing it during the worst thing I will ever go through in my entire life!! I can't even begin to exp;ain to you all how proud I am of myself. It's not very often I can say that, but I think I rock right at this point. The day I finished the tears just starting rolling down my face (Just like they are writing this). I can't explain how it feels but I can say that it makes me very emotional. I have Colten to thank for this because he was the whole reason I wanted in this field and every time things got tough, I just thought of him and all he went through and knew I could do it! I will be forever grateful to my little boy for this new career and know that he will be smiling down on me everytime I come across a stubborn little Down syndrome kiddo who has no interest in speech:) Love you little man!

And, love to all of you who continue to read my craziness!

Erika

Video

Found this video and wanted to share... Hope it works! Tallia had quite a few videos on her camera...

Four years ago....

Four years ago today God gave us Colten... I remember it like it was yesterday! Dale and I went to the hospital first thing in the morning for my c-section. We were so excited. A little after 10 in the morning our baby boy was here. Only a couple hours later the doctors came in to tell us that he had Down syndrome. I was shocked and devastated! How could my perfect little boy have something wrong with him!? It didn't take us long to realize that not only was there nothing wrong with him, but we had been giving an amazing gift! Every time he hit a milestone we were amazed and in awe of this incredible little boy! He was the light of our house and always radiated happiness! There was no child more incredible that our Colten! You have never truly seen a smile untile you saw his and never felt such complete, unconditional love like his! We were the luckiest people in the world to have been given this little angel to raise!

So now comes the questions and the anger and the heartbreak.... Why did You take him from us so soon! I have been having such a hard week and I am feeling such intense anger at God right now. Why will my baby never turn four? Why was such a gift taken away from us? What did we do to deserve this heartache? Why? Why?? Why???

I know there are no answers and this is something that we will never fully understand, but you know what? That just makes it hurt more! I should be planning a party with balloons and cake and presents. Not planning a day at the cemetary!! I can honestly tell you that there is no pain like what Dale and I are feeling. This has been so hard and his birthday feels like a slap in the face to me. It has really made it hit home that there will be no more birthdays for my little boy and I am having a hard time dealing with that!

I know that in time the pain and heartache will lesson, although it will never go away. I am just going to have to work extra hard to be strong right now.

I had so many other things that I wanted to write, but for now this is all I can do.

Erika

Good Days...

Well, everything has been going okay. School is keeping me really busy and having to get up and leave the house has been pretty good for me. (Even though I complain about it steady:)) David, my friend and the pastor who did Colten's services, gave me these amazing books to read and they are really helping. There are four of them and you read them at different points after the loss. It feels like reading a letter that was written just to me. They are really good. I am learning that everything that I am feeling is completely normal and all a part of the process. I have been thinking about going back to church but realize that it is really hard to do. In my heart I am not exactly angry at God, but I can't help but question His reasoning for things. Who knows, maybe it will help!

Yesterday was my birthday. I was nervous about how I would feel facing something special without my little boy. Thanks to my AMAZING husband and all my wonderful family and friends, I had a PERFECT day!! Of course Colten's absence was felt as it always will be, but it helped me to know that it was okay to still enjoy something special. Dale really went all out! And I started my day with all my favorite girls by going to a movie and getting our nails done:) I have never felt so loved!

We ordered Colten's bench and are anxiously awaiting its arrival. Janet is working as hard as she can to get it here by his birthday. That is just what we are hoping for!

Meanwhile, we are all just taking it a day at a time!

Love to all,
Erika

What to say???

I was thinking the other day how fast time can go by. Think about what it is like when you have a baby. One day you are holding this little bitty newborn baby and then you blink and they are a toddler. You blink again and they are in school. Blink again, and they are all grown up. Life flies by. Wednesday it was 3 months since we have lost Colten and it seems like SO much longer than that. I can't understand why when you are enjoying life the days fly by, yet when you are hurting, they seem to move in slow motion. Is it God's way of telling us that you can't rush the greiving process or is it simply because every day feels like a chore? I am not trying to rush anything.... I would just like to not feel so bogged down by sadness. I know that this is the way it is and I will never be the same person I was before, yet some days it just feels like more than I can bear. I think that a lot of how I am feeling has to do with the holidays. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I will really enjoy another holiday. Don't get me wrong, we will always make sure they are great days for the other kiddos, but I think I will never feel complete again. Tessa asked me if the easter bunny would leave Colten's basket by my bed so that we can take it to him at the cemetary. What do you say to that?? It is so heartbreaking to watch the kids try to figure out how he will be included in these special days. They love him so much that this is still so important to them. It is going to take a lot of time to get a handle on all this. I think the first year will be the hardest. This is when we have the first of every holiday without him and the first time birthdays will be celebrated without him. He was such a special little boy that our household somewhat revolved around him:) It is a learning experience for all of us.

I am still doing okay in school. I laugh at myself a lot of days with how much I am struggling to get through it. I spent an entire year taking a full load of classes while Colten was in the hospital here and then getting his transplant in Tucson. I even finished out the semester while on our Make-A-Wish trip. I managed that, but can barely manage this semester when I have NOTHING to do. I am an out of work stay at home mom and yet have a hard time getting my homework done! That seems pretty silly to me! I know that I am really just bitching and I apologize for that. I think I should explain that when I blog is when I am the most down. I have been thinking about doing a private blog as a journal for myself to outlet these feelings without including everyone I know in them, but I can't decide. You see, I know that people are never sure of how I am doing because I don't really talk about it to anyone and I want you all to be able to follow and know that I am working things out. I know of some people who worry that I have just shut down and am not allowing myself to feel. This is my way of ensuring that everyone knows that that is not the case. This is actually pretty theraputic for me.

Speaking of theraputic, I need to get back into the gym! That was so good for me! I really felt better both physically and emotionally when I was going. That will be my goal for the next month. If you talk to me, be sure to ask if I have gone. Maybe that will help get my butt in gear:)

Now that I am done with all that... Let me say that I hope you all have an amazing Easter! Eat lots of chocolate and enjoy every minute of the family time. That is my plan!

All my love,

Erika

This is Mater.. My little yorkie! I have the best hubby... He got him for me while I was in Michigan because he knows that I have always wanted one!

Nothing new

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but there is really nothing new to say. We went to California for a few days over spring break and had a really great time. The kids loved the beach and it was so nice to visit with my dad and Sharon. And of course I really loved getting to spend a little time with Lexia and her family! I sure miss having her live here. It was great!

Otherwise, still feeling pretty much the same. I am working through it and knowing that it takes time. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been going to the gym lately. I just can't find the time or the motivation and it's unfortunate because that really was theraputic for me. Maybe I'll get back soon.

I'll post more later along with some pictures

Love,
Erika

Anger and frustration anyone??

I have been having so many emotions that some days I don't even know how to deal with them. I had a great trip to Michigan! I loved every minute with my mom and Glen and it was so amazing to see my family. BUT.... I spent WAY too much time in my own head!! I am so busy at home with the kids, life, and just trying to go on that I don't have very much time to think. While I was gone I had a lot of thinking time and that is when this crazy anger emerged. I am so angry at everything! I am angry at God for taking my baby, I am angry that every day is another day without him, and I am angry that I am so depressed! I am also so very frustrated! I think of how hard Colten fought every day for a whole year and how much he went through with that smile on his face and it frustrates me to no end that it ended like this. How is it even fair that a child so young should have to go through so much only to lose his life in the end?? It just really pisses me off! I am thankful that he is no longer suffering, but can anyone explain to me why he had to suffer in the first place?! These are the questions that get to me. I go through every day with a happy face but this is the stuff that awaits me when I try to go to bed at night. Some days I am not sure how I am ever going to get through this. Of course I know that I will persevere and come out okay.

I also want to ask everyone for some major prayers for a friend of mine. Sharla is a mom I became close to in Tucson and her daughter is Bekah. Colten and Bekah were neighbors in the hospital and had their transplants a week apart. This has been a long hard road for them and now it just got crazy bumpy on them. Bekah is in the PICU in critical condition and needs all the prayers you can give. I am not going to go into detail but my heart is breaking for Sharla and this is all I can do to help, so please pray! If you want to follow her story you can go to her caringbridge. www.caringbridge.org/visit/prayersforbekah

I have been working hard at school already and it is seriously overwhelming me. I am really just not feeling it this semester. Considering I am two weeks from midterms, I hope I get back in the swing of things soon:) My practicuum is going good though and I love being with the kiddos. Even if the drive is ridiculously long:) A big thanks to Jackie for being such a wonderful SLP to learn from.

Thanks again for following my posts, even when I get negative! I have the best friend and family EVER!

Love to all,
Erika

Overwhelmed

Sorry that I haven't posted in awhile. It feels like life has just gotten a little crazy. We are all still hanging in there and doing pretty good, but I have still been pretty depressed. My semester started last week and as much as I am looking forward to having something to do with my days, it has been pretty overwhelming. I have my clinicals this semester which means I will be doing 150 hours as an SLPA under the supervision of a certified therapist. It will be good for me but my home has become a comfort zone for me so this has me freaking out!:)

I am really looking forward to my trip to Michigan! I leave Tuesday morning and will be gone for eight days. It will be so nice to have this time to myself, but as it gets closer I am worried about how much I will miss Dale and the kiddos. Dale and I have never spent more than 4 days apart in our 7 years together... Should be interesting to see how we handle it!

We are back in the routine of Dale working and I have finally gotten to the point where I am okay without him. I still miss him being there every minute, but it is helping to get life back on track. Even if it is a whole different track than the one we had been on. The kiddos are still doing good. Natalie's teacher says she has moments that she'll just break down in class but her teacher is so amazing and loves her so much that she is able to get her through them. It still surprises me that she is the one who is having the hardest time with everything. It helps to know that we will get through this and be okay.

With the help of my best friend Davina, I accomplished a few big projects this week. We went in Colten's room and got everything organized. I am not ready to pack anything up but almost all of his stuff was in the middle of the room. Poor Trentin couldn't even play in there because of all of Colten's toys. I got everything put into toyboxes and rubbermaids and put it in his closet. It was a very hard job but I am glad I did it. Then last night we put over 2500 pictures into albums! I had everything in order in photo boxes but needed to get them into albums. Talk about a HUGE job. The pictures went back to Christmas 2004.... Talk about a serious trip down memory lane! Sometimes it is hard for me to look at pictures but other times it just warms my heart. Luckily last night was a warms the heart kinda night. Thank you SO much Bina!! I love you!

One other thing that happened this week was a trip to Tucson. Dale had gotten a ticket right before the Make a Wish trip and we had to go take care of it. I spent the week looking forward to seeing all the people we had gotten so close to in our time there... Never did it cross my mind how emotional it would be to go back to the places that were ALL Colten to us. It was so hard to be in the hospital, clinic, and Ronald McDonald house again. All of our memories there revolve around Colten and his cancer. Lets just say that as wonderful as it was to see everybody, we won't be making that trip again anytime soon!

I think that covers most of it. Again, thank you to everyone who follows our life and continues to keep us in their thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us!

All my love,
Erika

What can I say....

Sorry that I haven't updated in awhile. Sometimes I don't even know how to put into words the feelings that I am experiencing.

The past two weeks have been okay. The week following my last post was pretty rough, but I was expecting that. I am still going to the gym regularly and really love it. I complain about it steady, but it actually feels pretty good:) I know that I have some depression sneaking up on me and have been doing a lot of thinking about how to handle it. It's not that I sit around and cry all day, but I am lacking my usual zest. I have such a wonderful support system with all my friends and family, but for the most part being social just feels like a lot of work. Don't get me wrong, I have good days.... I can just tell that I am not myself. I know what you all are thinking.... "Of course you don't feel like yourself, look at what you have been through". I know these are normal feelings but it doesn't mean I have to like it! I think part of the problem is that I put on my strong face a year ago for Colten and haven't figured out how to take it off yet. I am not crying enough and really not letting myself feel the emotions that are inevitable. But let me tell you something.... When I do pull down that face... IT HURTS!! I can't explain the physical and emotional pain that I feel when I am crying. I can guarantee that there is nothing like it in the whole world! I just miss him so much every minute of every day! Of course, this is all normal and to be expected.

On a happy note, I have bought a plane ticket to go and visit the U.P. My mom and Glen are heading there to see my grandpa and the rest of the family and I have decided to tag along. I am really looking forward to this. Being a mom is my whole life and I will miss the kiddos like crazy, but it will be nice to have 8 days of only being me. No one will need anything from me for 8 whole days:) It will be amazing! Hopefully I can stay busy enough so that I don't spend to much time alone in my own head... We'll see.

Again I want to thank EVERYONE for all that they have done for us this past year!! I have tried to write my thank you notes numerous times but just end up a mess. I just want to make sure that you all know how much Dale and I appreciate every thing that was done for us, little or big, this year! I think of you all as my own personal angels... We definately couldn't have made it through all of this without you all! I love you all from the bottom of my heart!:):)

Erika

Lonely nights

Where to start?? This week has had its ups and downs that's for sure. The gym is working great for me. I am so sore that I can barely walk, but somehow it clears my head and body of emotional pain. When I am having a really rough day (and there are lots of those) I head to the gym and work out super hard.... When I get home I feel better. It works as like a therapy for me. Maybe I'll even lose some weight and tone up as an added benefit:)

Last night my aunt took the kiddos for a sleepover and Dale and I headed out for a night of dancing and hanging out with great friends. I was having an especially emotional day and didn't even really feel like going, but it was great! We had an amazing time doing something so grown up! Dancing is something that we have always loved to do together and we hadn't gone in over three years... It was good for us. Of course (not that I need to even say it, but) I would gladly never go dancing again in my life if it meant I could have my little boy back.

I don't know the stages of grief and I am pretty sure I have gone through most of them a few times, but I am at the point of questioning why this happened to our family. I think it is due to all the änniveraries" that are approaching. Yesterday it was one year ago that we went to the hospital for the first time wondering what was going on with Colten. One year ago today we met the amazing Dr. Abella and found out what they were thinking and Tuesday it will be one year since the official diagnosis. No wonder I'm a flippin mess!! And then on top of it all, Dale had to go back to work tonight. I know that there comes a time that you have to start getting back into a routine, but we have not been apart for FOUR months. AND he is my rock!! He is the person who makes sure I get out of bed every morning, gets me to the gym, makes sure I eat, and keeps my mind busy. I am going to be a little lost without him for awhile.

I am sorry that this post wasn't the most positive post. I try really hard to keep my head up and project the strength that lies within me to all of you... Just not feeling it as much tonight:) Please know that I truly appreciate all the love and support you all give and know that we really are hanging in there and doing okay. We are strong people with an amazing support system and will go on to teach others all the wonderful things we learned from our little man. We will even do it with a smile on our faces:)

Love to all,
Erika

Going to give blogging a try

As much as I love my caring bridge site, I thought I'd give blogging a try. I feel that that site is to keep people updated on Colten and this is a good way to continue updating on our family life. We are hanging in there... taking it a day at a time right now. David, our pastor at the services, nailed grief on the head. It is like standing in the ocean with the waves coming at you, some are little ripples and others knock you on your can! I have had some pretty rough days, but am lucky enough to have an amazing support system to see me through.

Other things that have been going on:

Tallia turned 12 yesterday. I know that you are all thinking that I am WAY too young to have a twelve year old, and you are all right! I can't get over how fast time flies! We had a wonderful time celebrating with the family and tonight she is celebrating sleepover style with some friends. She is so grown up these days. I am the luckiest woman alive to have a daughter as amazing as her!

We joined the gym... Anyone who knows me knows how crazy that is:) I am trying to find something to fill my days now that I have no babies home with me. I am hoping that this will not only do that, but also help me get into shape!

I am getting ready to start on thank you notes. The kindness and outpouring of support we have received just blows my mind! Please know that we are so very thankful for you all and eventually I will get out my cards. I just need to lengthen my attention span first:)

Love to you all,

Erika